Lived Experiences

     As a child, we learn and internalize many things that are told to us. We are encouraged to study, encouraged to be on our best behaviour, encouraged to obey and respect older people. Most of the time, a child is perceived to be "good", "naughty", or "bad" based on these factors. So naturally, a child internalizes these statements. "You're such a bad boy. You don't want to study and just want to be lazy.", "Why can't you listen to your teachers? You simply want to give us trouble.", "You did so well in your test. We are so happy." and the likes. If you notice, most of these statements are around the academic performance of the child. At an early age, the child develops an understanding that their self-worth will be maximum when their academic performance is high. This is not done consciously, but over time, as the child grows up and sees that each time they score fewer marks, the people in their environment are disappointed in them, it is not difficult for them to put two and two together. This is manifested in different ways as the child grows up, and this association of self-worth and academics continues. 

    When thinking about factors that impact a child while growing up, responses to their academic performance is definitely a top-most priority. Parents/guardians are used to others commenting upon their child's educational and career choices. Another area in which a free pass is given is the physical appearance of the child. Unfortunately, more often than not, these statements are said because the person cares for the child. And definitely, yes, a lot of times, the person does care for the child. But the child is not oblivious to their physical appearance. It is their body, and they know how they look. There is no need for a third person to pass any advice based on that. I am someone with a broad body. I have broad shoulders and wide hips, and somehow I was made to believe as a child that that was not how I was supposed to look. Broad shoulders meant that I was "manly", and let's not get started on the significance of wide hips. I internalized these statements and started hating photos in which I thought I was "too broad for a woman". I heard these statements as a teenager, and I realized only in my mid-20s how these statements have negatively impacted my self-esteem and the relationships I have. 

    Most people don't realize (or maybe they do realize) how impactful these statements are on a child who is already navigating a lot in their life. Shaming a child for eating too much or too little, pointing out the fat in their bodies, their height, the extra body hair...these statements go a long way in shaping a child's life. The worst part in all this is, a lot of times, the child is never allowed to ask the adult to stop making such comments since it is seen as a sign of disrespect. Disobedience. Firstly, respect has nothing to do with age. Moreover, allowing a child to be assertive and stand up for themselves is not inversely proportional to respect. The child can disagree with an adult's statement and still respect that same adult in all other aspects. It seems that the adult's ego is hurt in the process rather than respect. Something to ponder upon is if we're raising our children to be good people who know their self-worth or just as someone who should ensure the satisfaction of another person's ego. 

    I have always wanted to write about this because even though I am an adult who is now very aware of how her childhood experiences have impacted her, at times, it is still difficult to actively remember that. There are still times when I feel not good enough when compared to someone who is thinner. And I don't want my nieces, nephews, or any other child with whom I interact, to grow up being actively conscious about how their surroundings perceive their physical appearance.